A Journey Through Memory: The Making of 106 Elm Avenue
106 Elm Avenue is a work of fiction based on actual events from my childhood. The book tells of my year in fourth grade living in a traumatic environment caused by the severe mental illness of my mother and the raging alcoholism of my father. I began writing the manuscript that became the book 106 Elm Avenue thirty years ago, when I was thirty-five to understand my overwhelming emotional reaction to this photograph of me as a ten-year-old boy.
Unearthing the Past: 106 Elm Avenue and a Rediscovered Photograph
Though the photo was taken by my father in 1969 I did not see it until I came across it while cleaning out my father’s apartment after his death in 2004. The picture evoked a strong emotional response I did not understand. I felt as if someone had lifted the veil that kept the memories and emotions felt by the ten-year-old boy from my adult conscious mind. I wrote only to release the raw emotion I had bottled up deep within me. With tears streaming down my face, I typed out this paragraph in the form of a letter to my father:
Dear Dad:
I learned early on to try to stay out of your way, Dad, so I know it’s partly my fault that we never really spent much time together. I don’t think I was ever comfortable around you. Not like the way I always figured a son should feel when his dad was around – protected, comfortable, and at ease. I don’t remember ever truly feeling at ease around you. It isn’t at all clear to me why. Sure you had a volatile temper, you liked to drink, and the mix of alcohol and your temper could produce explosive results when ignited. Sure I was always frightened that something would trigger your flash point. But I think my unease with you wasn’t so much focused on your temper – it wasn’t just that I was scared by you. It went deeper than that. I don’t think I was ever sure of your love.
The “Dear Dad” Letters: From Private Reflections to a Family’s Dream
I wrote the first drafts in the format of a series of letters to my father. I called them the “Dear Dad” letters. Each letter began with “Dear Dad.” I worked on the manuscript sporadically. I had no plans to publish my story and there were long periods when it remained untouched on the shelf. As my children grew into adulthood, we joked that someday, my manuscript would be published, and the book would be made into a movie. We would be both famous and wealthy.
Decades of Drafts: Capturing Childhood Trauma in 106 Elm Avenue
I produced countless drafts in different formats over three decades of writing about my childhood. I have kept copies of all my writing. As I prepared to write this article for the Author’s Lounge in Readers’ Magnet, [email protected], I collected these drafts and read through them. While the versions differ in the events described, they are consistent with the emotional themes of fear, shame, and secrecy that permeate the book 106 Elm Avenue: A Year in the Life of a Troubled Ten-Year-Old Boy.
Evolving Perspectives: From Blame to Understanding in 106 Elm Avenue
I used the “Dear Dad” format for many drafts of the manuscript. As I edited, wrote, and rewrote the manuscript over the years, I realized that this format blamed my childhood anguish solely on my father. In time, I realized that this perspective was flawed. My father was a victim, and we all were victims of circumstances that were beyond anyone’s control. When severe mental illness takes over, it takes full control and the concept of blame no longer applies. I dropped the letter format and rewrote the manuscript.
Confronting Stigma: 106 Elm Avenue and the Power of Facing the Past
Paranoid schizophrenia is a cruel mental illness. It damages everyone it encounters. The stigma of severe mental illness brings fear, embarrassment, and shame to all involved. Secrecy fuels the fear, embarrassment, and shame of that stigma. My decision to publish the manuscript this year was based, in part, on my desire to face that stigma head-on. Publishing the manuscript became my statement to the world that I was no longer controlled by the ten-year-old boy within me.
The Title of 106 Elm Avenue: A Personal and Meaningful Choice
I chose the title 106 Elm Avenue because it was the street address of the house where I lived during my childhood, and it is where the events in the book take place. My daughter Jennifer wrote the Book Summary that appears on the back cover of the book. After reading her Book Summary, I decided to include the subtitle “A Year in the Life of a Troubled Ten-Year-Old Boy” in the book title.
The pale yellow house on the book cover shown below is a photograph of 106 Elm Avenue, Bogota, New Jersey.
Published in February 2024, 106 Elm Avenue is available on Amazon in eBook, paperback, and hardback formats. For more information, including my author biography, visit my Amazon Author Page.
