Silent Tears To Facing fears

by | Mar 4, 2020 | Author Feature, Featured Article | 0 comments

When I first thought about writing a book, my first thought was who in the world would even care to read it? What makes me so special to believe that the world should take an interest into what’s going on in my life, or my mind? I guess as I continued to write, and I allowed the words to just flow, it brought me to the conclusion that its not my story, its the connection to it. I thank the Author Lounge for allowing me to continue to share my story with you. The moment you sit down and read and you realize wow, I understand her, or the concern of I can’t believe that this is a true story. I found it hard to find a place to start a story that was still being written, what should be the beginning? How in the hell am I suppose to possibly end this thing? So I thought about it, and I’ve lost a lot of things in my life, ive lost time, money, patience, my mind, my energy and love but one thing I was always able to hold onto was my faith in God. I knew that if I could just start my story with being my true self, somehow God would allow me to step out of my storm and into a miracle, and that’s exactly what he did. I went from an abusive relationship and fighting for a life that I didn’t even want to live, to marrying my best friend and learning to love and grow into someone I wish I had been a long time ago.

I wanted to keep Silent Tears a short book and I did, not because I ran out of things to say, or ran out of life experiences. I just felt that sometimes the least that you say, it gives people more to think about. I felt as though my poetry was powerful in imagery and it allowed my readers to momentarily step into my life and feel my raw emotion of pain. Pain that I wouldn’t dare speak out loud. I named my poetry Silent Tears because it took me 23 years ( crazy right!?) to actually come out and begin to tell my story. By the way, I’m only 26. I call this wasted time, because it wasn’t until I began to speak on my pain that I allowed myself to heal from it. My pain and hurt was not robbing me of life, the silence and my fake happiness is what caused me to slip so far from what was really reality. Those silent tears were real and they came at night, when no one was looking. Although I felt as though I was able to blend into the rest of the world, it was very clear to everyone that I was an empty cup and it was my biggest fear that my cup would never be full. Who would have ever thought that my cup be so full, that it would just be an overflow to make it to you.

The first poem in my book is called My Story, I wrote it after having writers block for about three years. It flowed out of my like the rush of water out of a faucet. It was as if it was always there and just finally hit the surface, and it was at that moment that I felt that even though this was my story, it was never meant for me. The trouble however, was if the story wasn’t meant for me, who was it suppose to go to? The answer I have found, is you. This is when I found my calling, I’m here to tell my stories. The cautionary tells, the funny ones, the scary ones, and the ones that kept me up at night. I have nothing but gratitude to the Author Lounge for believing in me and my poetry to be able to tell it. I tell them, because I needed someone to tell me theirs, I needed that connection, so I would know that I’m not alone, so I’m giving you the gift of everything felt I needed. So you grow and thrive in life instead of staying steady and wasting some of the best years of your life like I did. This is my story, but it is certainty just the beginning. I’ve learned over the years how to turn my pain into power and my tears into triumph’s. We may step into darkness, but I promise, there will always be light for us again, and my story is proof.

I guess you can say I’m one of the lucky ones. Not everyone can move through a storm and come out on the other side still in tact. Mental, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse? I wish I could say none of it ever effected me, like I just moved through life unchanged. It broke me, it made me angry, selfish, sensitive, hostile, and they weren’t silent tears anymore, they were silent screams and I would scream at anyone close enough to hear me. So what brought me to the other side? How did I get to see the rainbow after the rain? How did I love again? Laugh again? Trust again? Faith. I know that not everyone believes in God, and if your looking for the poster child of Christianity I’m certainty not the right person to talk to. I am me, and I learned to love every ugly and beautiful thing about me. Then, I developed a closer relationship to God from who I felt like he should have been to me, and loving and appreciating everything that he always has been to me, before I had the maturity level to understand that he has been exactly what I always thought I was missing. In loving me, and loving him, I learned to love you. In accepting me, and accepting him, I accepted you and with growing with him I know that I can and will grow with you. The Authors Lounge has provided the proper space to be able to interact and share with one another, I will continue to tell my story but I would also love to hear yours and answer questions you may have about the book, now lets continue to move mountains and beat the odds!

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