Quote from Ellie Gaccetta on August 16, 2020, 11:39 pm

Patience is not a virtue in caregiving.  Patience in caregiving of elders is a mandatory quality to endure and avoid anger, trouble, or just an unforeseen incident.  In December 2019 I added a blog to the webpage for my book, One Caregiver’s Journey, that recalled observing a young woman verbally abusing her elderly mother loudly in the grocery store.  It was embarrassing for the older woman and time stood still as everyone in the store stopped to observe the behavior of the younger woman.  I was next in the same checkout line right behind the young woman.  The older woman, apparently her mother, was trying to help the daughter bag groceries.  She put a box of milk in the same bag as a carton of eggs and the young woman truly went ballistic.  She admonished the older woman loudly, grabbed the bag from her hands and displayed vitriolic anger.  Regardless of how bad a day the young woman was having that should have never occurred at all much less in the public setting of a grocery store.

That was before Christmas, before Covid-19 closed the world.  I witnessed a second similar situation in the same grocery store last week.  My reaction a second time was one of anger and wanting to cry for the obvious embarrassment of the elder member.  Patience is necessary to be a caregiver.  Anger needs to be held in check.  If you can only mentally remove yourself from the current situation to prevent anger that is what needs to occur.  During the pandemic there has been much publicity related to child abuse and the dangers to children whose parents may have lost their jobs, been furloughed, worry about paying bills and lose patience with children running around indoors at home all day.  There has been a significant amount of publicity also related to mental health and the need to recognize and address mental health issues.  There has not been the same level of publicity given to elder abuse and the added difficulties of being a sole caregiver during a pandemic.  Our society forgets that families care for parents and not all elder parents are in a senior care facility.

One of the main fundamentals of caregiving is patience.  Caregiving can be more challenging than parenting.  You can teach a child to change their behavior.  It is not as easy to teach an older person who may have dementia, for example.  Elderly persons are experiencing more confusion today with everything from the need to wear a mask to being alone for months with no visitors.  Elderly persons may not have the mental capacity to understand the political or social implications that we have been forced to endure over the past several months.  If your loved one has dementia it is possible for caregivers to be bombarded by the same questions over and over.  Caregivers feel more stressed and have become more impatient during the pandemic, but restraint and patience are necessary.  Patience is a learned virtue that can be made easier if a caregiver puts themselves in the shoes of their elders.  How would you like it if someone belittled you publicly, especially if you thought you were helping?  How would you feel if the only response to your simple questions were angry responses?  When an individual assumes responsibility for the care of an elder parent or relative the focus shifts from self to them.  It is incumbent upon the caregiver to learn the necessary skills and mental preparation for whatever the day brings.  In my book I adopt the mantra that everyday is a new day meaning you just need to accept what good or bad comes your way.  We too will grow old and think of how it would feel to be mistreated publicly.   Help for your anger and impatient nature is available.   Your caregiving responsibilities will be less complicated if you move through your day with more patience and kindness toward your loved one.